You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
