I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
