The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
