sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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