I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I can't put those talents on a resume
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
