I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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