bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I can't put those talents on a resume
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
