oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
