if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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