just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
