Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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