everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
