sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I would ride that face into the sunset
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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