Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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