did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
