woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
