Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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