This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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