Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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