I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
the liver wants what the liver wants
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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