I haven't been this sober since birth.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The air was thick with penises
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
