I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
