Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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