toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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