Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
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