you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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