I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
