if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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