I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize