i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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