Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
