also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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