So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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