Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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