I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
