on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
