I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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