You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize