im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
