i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
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