why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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