Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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