he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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