i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
