meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
