she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
