He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
