I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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