i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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