why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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