i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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