All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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