remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize