We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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