I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
