just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
