Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I've blown a few things in my day
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Randomize
