Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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