Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
