I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
