Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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